Memories

Going through old photos I found pictures of tiny Sydney. Let me be the first to say the cliche, "Where has the time gone?!?" Found some pictures of the time before our worlds got rocked with the emotional equivalent of an earthquake with a tornado. Can someone tell me why these photos make me feel such a cognitive dissonance? Could it be my brain has blocked out the memory of hurt for so long I just don't know what to feel? Neurotransmitters are definitely confused.

Eye Contact

Days with hours alone in a house with Sydney are much needed. It allows us time to be ourselves and develop our mommy-daughter relationship how we want it to be. She likes playing with cars. I'm okay with that. I played with cars and I turned out fine. I wish they had more girly cars, so I could at least feel good about them being pink or something. When we're alone, I think Sydney knows. She knows where my mind goes and how my heart sinks into my belly and feels like it is on fire and eroding from the acid. Being alone allows my mind time to go places like feeling lonely, sad, or wondering the what ifs. She know because she frequently walks up to me, grabs my cheeks with her two tiny little hands, and looks right into my eyes with her two big eyes. She doesn't say a think, just looks. When I'm on the brink of tears, she holds my face harder. It's like she's channeling her thoughts right in my brain. "Mommy, it's okay." She doesn't try to change me or my thoughts. Just letting me know she's here and that's really all that matters. God rest his soul, he gave me the best child I could have ever imagined.

On Another Note

I posted a while back about Sydney going to see her paternal grandmother for the first time in over a year. I was concerned about how it would go. Unfortunately, Sydney is in a phase where anyone she doesn't see everyday is a stranger to her and she doesn't want anything to do with them. So, Sydney wouldn't let her grandmother hold her. It broke my heart. A large part of this distancing Sydney has done is my fault. I can't imagine Sydney growing older, like 50, and making me a grandmother. If I couldn't see that baby or hold the baby, I don't know that I could survive. The visit, however, was therapeutic for grandmother and me. We caught up, we chatted, and we realized we have some things in common on this crazy grief trip. I empathize with her more than I ever have before. She lost a child... her baby. No matter how that loss occurred, that void can never be filled. I don't even want to imagine losing my child. So on that note, I've increased my photo/video sending and am being a lot more cordial. Because in the hindsight of things, she and I used to get along so well. Amazing how turmoil can make people do rotten things. For my silence to her on things regarding Sydney, I am sorry.

Sometimes it Happens

You know those days/weeks/months/years when things just don't go your way and you find yourself being sour about it? It's been a week or two of that for me. I'm stuck in a rut of the same old same old stuff and it's just that OLD. I should be happy for the monotony, but it seems to be wearing me out. I feel like I don't have much independence. The adults around me all seem to be in bad moods all the time, at home and at work. Sometimes I want to take Sydney and run away to a hiding place. Maybe a cabin the woods just to get a break from what everybody else wants. I'm probably selfish. Actually, I know I am. At least I'm thinking about Sydney.

Hello

I worked Thanksgiving day and the day after. Not to mention the Tuesday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Oh, and following it up with Sunday working too. These 12 hour shifts will make you loony. Watch out anyone who crosses me. I'm going to need about 3 days of re-cooperation time.

Work Work Work

Happy Thanksgiving Week. I'll be working four days in a row. Happy Holidays to me! Sorry Wal Mart employees who are upset about working Thanksgiving night. I'll be working all day and all day black Friday, too. Don't worry, I won't be along with the masses who come to your store to shop on Thanksgiving. After work, I'll be going home and straight to bed.

Travel Time

I'll be taking Sydney to Arkansas this weekend to visit family prior to the holiday since I'll be working nearly every day next week. She'll be seeing her paternal grandmother and half brother for the first time in over a year. I hope everything goes well.

All It Takes is a Little Silence

Life has been so hectic lately. I've been picking up extra hours at work to get ready for the holidays. Today has been the first day in a long time I'm home alone with Sydney. In the midst of doing laundry and listening to her jabber in the background, some part of my brain was activated. I got lonely. I reminisced a little too long. Thought about where I'd be now if things hadn't changed so drastically 1.5 years ago. I shake and rattle my head to send the thoughts away, but I can't un-think them.

My World With a Collective Sigh

So, we all know who won the election. I guess it is what it is. I'll try not to get too political. The only thing I hate about it is that there are million of people who absolutely do not want this guy as president, but still have to accept it anyway and the positive or negative consequences with him and his decisions. GAG. It's a conundrum. What is there to do but grin and bear it? On a positive note, Sydney is pretty much potty trained. She hasn't peed in her big girl panties for almost two weeks. I'm so proud of her.

Election Day

I cast my vote, not that it matters in the state where I live.  Then took Sydney and her grandma to IHOP.  All is good with the world for the next 8 hours.

Halloween

I've taken a stance on Halloween for Sydney for the foreseeable future.  She was elated to hand out candy to children ringing the doorbell.  

I let her have one pack of smarties and told her the rest was for the "kids."  She giggled like a mad man every time the doorbell rang.

Better to let go of all of our candy than have it hang around the house increasing my waist line at the beginning of the holiday season.

 

Here Comes the Cold

I like cold weather.  I like wearing sweat shirts and long pants and bundling up a warm blanket.
I like snuggling with my munchkin
Syd's new favorite thing is to tell everyone thank you.  Which is really polite, but loses its sincerity over time.

Right now we miss Sydney's uncle, my brother, Ryan.  He's deployed to Afghanistan for at least another 7 months.  These pictures are from the weekend before his deployment.  I had a shirt made for Sydney.  The front says Rakkasan which is Ryan's troop name.

I have to believe everything will be okay.  If I lived in fear, I'd never let Sydney leave the house.

Where Does the Time Go?

I'm frustrated with the state of the world.  All the hate, lies, and manipulation people use to get what they want. 
I'm also tired of people taking and not giving... abusing the system. 
I hate that I work in a place where people can come in and use services for non emergent situations and think they will never have to pay.  For people who drink themselves into comas and turn up here for detox just to get sober for a couple of days and return again for their next "free detox."
People who constantly abuse illegal drugs and turn here when their trip goes bad.
I'm developing a jaded attitude here.

Sometimes I Still Have A Heart

It's easy to become jaded in the nursing profession.  It's a lot of give and not much take.  Every once in a while, I get a patient who tugs at my heart strings.
Yesterday, I was already in a fierce mood at work.  I got a call that I was going to get an ambulance from a nursing home.  Ground level fall with hip pain with dementia.  I prepared myself for the worst.  The man was an angel.  Smiled at me from the beginning, cooperative with whatever I asked, and sweet as can be.  We did the necessary work up and found out he was just fine.  I called to arrange for transport back to his home.  I helped him get dressed.  He struggled with the button on his pants and the knot in my throat felt like a boulder.  I asked him if I could help him button and he looked at me with pleading eyes, "please" he asked.  I  buttoned him up and put his sweater on and shoes.  I sat him back down on the bed and asked him if there was anything I could get him while he was waiting.  No, he said.  I was desperate to do something nice for this man.  Water?  "No, thank you."  Television?  "No, thank you."  Newspaper?  "No, thank you."  My heart was welling up and about to overflow through my eyes in enormous tears.  Coffee?  His eyes were round saucers like a puppy dog waiting for a bone.  "I would love some."  I tore out of the room to the coffee machine, made a fresh cup and brought it too him.  I seriously don't think I've ever seen anyone more grateful for a cup of coffee.  He was smiling from ear to ear with each sip.  I'll admit, he saw the tears come one by one.  He asked me, "what's wrong darlin'?"  I told him I was just happy to help him.  He reached over and patted my hand.
That was it.  It was enough gratitude from one man to last me at least 4 weeks.
Too bad I couldn't bring him home with me.

Different Kinds of Love

I worked all weekend.  It was tiring but fulfilling work for the most part.  I didn't have a single pt. who didn't need to be the ER.  All of them were definitely having emergencies.  I realize now that maybe the fillers (people who could go to a clinic) are a gift to help me not feel so tired all the time.  Goodness knows if every pt. that came into the ER needed life saving treatment, I'd only last a few weeks in my profession.

More to the point.  After working all weekend, driving home last night I couldn't wait to get my arms around Sydney.  When I walked through the door, Sydney was running to me saying "mommy, mommy, mommy."  The feeling was unbelievable.  Hugging her was like an explosion of sheer joy followed by an ooze of perfection and satisfaction.  Words don't do it justice to explain the love I have for that child.  In my opinion, that's the most pure, unselfish love I'll ever get to experience in this human world.

I'll say I've been in romantic love once before.  Of course, it was with my husband.  In retrospect, that love was lurking of darkness.  Until now, I didn't realize how filthy loving him made me feel.  He was a fun guy and a nice guy most of the time, but I believe God has a hand in helping you choose the person you are to be with.  Too many things pulled me in a different direction from him while we were still dating.  But I forged onward, because I was selfish for the love he made me crave.  That love was hungry to the verge of famished.  Greedy.  Not even in reference to him, but I was like a dry paper towel trying to absorb water by trying to absorb all the love I could from that relationship.  All it did was leave me weak and virtually useless.

I realize romantic love takes work.  But it shouldn't make you feel filthy or sinful while working towards it.  In my future endeavors toward it, I've got to remind myself not to go back there again.  

A last realization... Even in the covetous love I so desperately yearned for, I believe God rewarded me with pure love for being so faithful and committing myself to the love I sought.  That pure love comes from, you guessed it, Sydney.

The End of a Process

Today a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  To explain, it will require a few references to the past please excuse the meanderings.
I remember driving my clunker of a car to my first job interview for a nursing position over an hour away from my home.  I also remember it breaking down in the middle of the commute.  A kind police officer gave me a jump and helped me get to the next exit while my then father-in-law drove to exchange vehicles with me so I could make it to my vehicle.  After a few tears over the mishap and getting the position working nights on a cardiac unit, I begged to be allowed to get a new vehicle.  After much searching and negotiation, we found my Ford Fusion 2010.  I counted it a sign from God I was doing the right thing that my old car got simultaneous flats as I drove it into the car dealership to trade in for a glorious 1000 dollars (ha, probably for the money on scrap metal).
We signed the paperwork together (Chase and I).  He was the primary and I was co-signer has he had more credit built up than I. Payments began.
Fast forward to the end of April of this year.  I began the process of attempting to get registration in my new state of residence.  I got all the paperwork together that I thought I would need.  Marriage certificate (as I had purchased the vehicle when my name had not been changed from my maiden name), death certificate, driver's license, proof of insurance, and title that showed his and my name.  I waited in line with my sweet girl for 30 minutes to be told that I would need HIS signature to be allowed to register the vehicle.  After breaking into a hysteric cry, I was ushered to a manager who explained that I would need the title in my name only to be able to register and to go home and speak with my lean holder.
Three conversations with Ford Motor Credit and over a month later, Ford suggested I do a transfer of equity.  This took approximately 3 weeks to complete.  They graciously mailed a copy of the title now supposedly only in my name, to the DMV.  I allowed two weeks for mail time and made my second trip to the DMV, for them to tell me that the paperwork had not arrived yet.  I waited another three days and made the third trip to the DMV, for them to tell me that the paperwork had been rejected because HIS name remained on the title.  I burst into tears walking away from the counter for a third time.  I called my father in tears explaining my predicament.  The next day he spoke with the supervisor at the DMV in person.  Found out about a blessed form T-20 for inheritance of property.  I had it notarized.  Waited another week because my 30 binder for proof of insurance in Georgia's electronic system had lapsed and needed to be re-entered in the system and a hard copy proof of insurance wouldn't work.
TODAY!  I took the documents I had originally taken to the DMV... marriage certificate, death certificate, PLUS this T-20 form that no one had mentioned to me at the beginning of all this mess.  The original title with his name and my name worked beautifully.  I now am driving a registered vehicle.  It only took four months and a lot of reciprocity.
Tell me our government works like a smooth sailing ship and I'll tell you I saw a pig fly by my window last night.

Chicken

Yesterday, the masses flocked to Chick-Fil-A in support of either 1.Mr. Truett's views on marriage or 2.The  Right to Freedom of Speech.  I for one went on the principle of freedom of speech.
I agree with Mr. Truett on all levels though.  Marriage should be between man and woman.  Marriage is a biblical and religious concept.  Marriage did not begin as a legal bond.  Therefore, I say the bible can determine who can and cannot be married.  I have nothing against people in committed homosexual relationships.  I have many people in my life who are homosexual and I love them as much as my heterosexual friends.
However, the gay community deciding to ban Chick-Fil-A based on the owner's theology is asinine.
Sydney loves Elmo.  Sesame Street has recently pulled their toys from Chick-Fil-A for kid's meals.  A friends of mine saw Sydney with Elmo and said, "You really shouldn't support Sesame Street any more" in regards to their stance on Chick-Fil-A.  In my opinion, that would be doing the same thing that Chick-Fil-A is doing.  Sesame Street is voicing their opinion about something they believe.  To boycott them for that, in my opinion, would be immature.
For now, unless they become more corrupt in the broadcast to my toddler, Sydney will continue to scream "MELMO!!!" every time we pass anything to do with the furry red guy.

A Few More Pictures

Since I'm posting more often, I'll post some fun photos to indulge.

  This is Zack with me of course.  

 We visited California and posed as Stanford students for a few days.

 This is our first picture together.

My favorite of all time.  Teaching Syd how to horseback ride.

Just a Broadcast of the Personality

Because I'm Really Not Always Negative

I've got a smile on my face.  Maybe it's because today is my last shift before a glorious 6 days off in a row.  I'm feeling wonderful, despite the fact that it's Monday.  Mondays in the ER are always insanely busy.  But that's okay!  I can make it.
I'm enjoying things with Zack.  He keeps me level headed, most of the time.  He also puts up with my insecurity and mood swings like a champ.  What's more than that, he shows off Sydney like she was his own. 
For now, Sydney is developing her colorful personality.  She enjoys squealing gleefully at the top of her lungs when she wants to get out of bed in the morning.  She also enjoys Elmo... or as she calls it "Melmo."  She can sing rock-a-bye baby and we've begun potty training.  No poopy diapers for the last 4 days and I'll tell you that's a pretty big accomplishment. 
Despite annoyances and every day menial tasks, my life is pretty good.  I've got a lot of support and a lot of love.  I'm definitely on the up swing.

Childcare

Right now, I have it made in the shade.  While I work, my parents watch Sydney.  It's free, it's easy, and it's with someone I trust.  The situation is working perfectly for now and Sydney has tons of love and attention.  The situation may not last forever, so I started researching alternative methods of child care.
First let me say, HOLY COW!  It's expensive.  Day care isn't really a feasible option because I go to work so early and stay at work so late.  Most day cares don't stay open til 730.  Another thing is that I don't need five days a week for child care.  At most, I need two.  And on top of that, I need some weekends.  So I researched a nanny, for the cost of that I might as well not even work.  I can't afford to pay a nanny, plus rent, plus care, and all other needs. 
What irritates me... all these women who have no jobs and have countless babies and get government assisted childcare.  REALLY?  Guess where the money comes from for this government assistance.  MY check.  Don't tell me that those women aren't the majority because in my position as an ER nurse, I see it every day.  Lady on baby number 4 or 5, not married, no job, no healthcare, and wanting an ultrasound because they know our ER has to perform it if they complain of vaginal bleeding/pain.  And they don't ever plan to pay the bill, which makes my hospital raise prices and have less money and therefore raises for staff are much less likely. 
I'm sure everything will work out.  I'm praying to God that it does.  But the state of this economy and how it works is just insane.

Sleep Schedule and a Few Irritating Things

I work.  It's three days a week or 6 days a pay period.  I wake up at 530 to get ready and work from 645am to 700pm.  I don't mind it.  I love my job.  But it sucks to still wake up that early on my days off!  Syd sleeps in til 830 some days and at least 930 on other days.  I couldn't ask for a more considerate child, but I can't manage to get my internal clock to cooperate.  Oh well, such is life.  Maybe I should get important things taken care of on those kind of mornings.
Speaking of work.  I work my butt off.  I'm an emergency room nurse.  I like to hustle.  I don't like orders to be waiting and I don't put off my patient care.  I move pretty quickly and help my fellow colleagues.  When I first started working there 11 months ago.  I was bright and peppy simply from being relieved my license had changed from Arkansas to Georgia without much hassle, and I found a job in such a quick amount of time after moving.  The environment was/is better most days and the pay is better.  I still love my job and I'm still peppy and sweet with most people.  There are a choice few who are lazy to the bone and do no return the favor EVER when I help them with their work.  When they should be working, they're talking on their cell phones or eating in the break room.  Which is fine... whatever, do whatever floats your boat.  But it really lowers my opinion on the type of nurse they are and also makes me not want to be very chipper with them.
The problem with this is my work does peer reviews.  One of these said lazy people has gotten my review to do.  A comment was made to another nurse where one of my friends could hear it.  It was "I got Ashley for the peer review, but her attitude has changed a lot lately towards me."  Two problems with this, 1) Reviews are supposed to be confidential which obviously mine is not. 2) My attitude towards them has definitely not affected my work performance.  The fact is, I'm not rude to them and I still communicate with them and help them.  My interaction with them is merely on a professional level.  I don't chit chat with them while I'm supposed to be working.  But because I'm not as "peppy" toward them as I might have been previously, my peer review is probably going to suck.
Now that I've vented, I'm not really all that worried because I'm sure my work performance will speak for itself.

Choices Today

You never realize how your choices effect others until you have a child.

The decisions I make today, will shape her life forever.

I've got to be careful.

What's On My Mind Today

I panicked a little yesterday.  I was working my regular 12 hour shift and called to check on Syddo around 10am and there was no answer to my parent's phone.  I blew it off thinking that they were busy or at the gym and didn't think about it again until my lunch at 3pm...yes lunch at 3pm.  I tried calling all of them again with no answer.  I called about 20 times.  Now my parents are no young birds, but they aren't old either.  And they're in really good health, but the worst scenarios flashed in my head.  Too many to count and too many to be running through my mind.  I can't help it.  With my history of events, these events are my worst fears.  So naturally, I have to go back to work.  All the while worrying my head off.  Finally, I got a call from my mother who had a workshop she attended that I didn't know about, so my dad was watching the baby.  Dad had been in the gym when I called and Sydney was doing just fine.
My worst fear put to rest.
Seriously sometimes, I just need to relax.

It's Been A Little While

I haven't posted in a bit, and I really need to get better about that. Life has been going well I suppose. Sydney and I have gotten into a routine and seem to be flourishing. Sydney is no longer a little baby but a tiny human. She walks and talks as well as getting an attitude. She can follow commands and ask you questions. I'm so blessed to have that nugget. I introduced myself to this blog describing myself as Sydney's Mom. Which is still remaining true, and I remain having no qualms about it. Everyone seems to find Sydney darling and I eat it up when people pay her attention. I don't know if anyone else is like this, but growing up every time I passed a mirror it was myself I was looking at. Now, when standing in the mirror it's the monkey on my hip I'm looking at. (I call her a monkey because she latches onto my hip so fiercely) So, you'll have to excuse my appearance if you ever run into me, I'm not sure what I look like anymore.

Almost that time...

It's almost been a year since he left. I have such an odd feeling about it. I'm not necessarily sad, but I'm uneasy. It makes me uncomfortable. It seems such a short time ago, but feels as if ages have passed. I feel like it will be a mile stone for me in my grieving process. The last little blip to go through that I haven't gone through before. Everything else will just be a repeat of the time before and I'll learn how to handle it better and better. I think with the passing of next Monday, I'm also going to make a point to desperately try to avoid talking about it. Period. Sydney is doing so well. She has so much love surrounding her and she's the happiest little girl. Life. Funny how it is. It seems to work itself out. We are okay. Really.

What Sydney Doesn't Know

Today is Mother's Day. Oddly enough, it's been tough for me to swallow. I know, Ashley grow up and get over it. Well, the truth is I'm struggling. Mother's day is a day for appreciating mother's, right? A lot of the time this appreciation comes from the husband of the mother. My daughter's father isn't here to appreciate the mother I am to his daughter. That's been difficult for my mind to wrap around. This time last year, my husband gave me a ring from Sydney. One that I had been eyeing for some time. It was a nice day. I remember it well and remembering a good time with him sometimes makes me sad. I could tell it had been bothering me the last couple of days because I've been having the nightmares again. BLAH to that. As I sit here typing that. I do realize I have someone who appreciates the mother I am. Sydney. Every time she reaches for me when she's in someone else's arms, every time she grins from ear to ear when I get her out of bed in the morning, every time she gives me a kiss... my baby is thanking me for being her mother. With all the really crappy stuff he did, I've got him to thank for giving me the mother's day gift that keeps on giving... my child's love.

An Introduction

Sydney has been hanging out with a friend on a regular basis. She thinks he is sweet, wonderful, thoughtful, and attractive. Wait, maybe that's what I think of him. We've been hanging out for a little while now, and I think he's quite possibly the swellest guy just after my dad. Syd likes to play with him and grab his finger to take him on a walk. This is an introduction to Zack. He's mending, bending, building, and stealing our hearts.

Screw the American Dream

"The American Dream" To live in a 4bedroom 3 bathroom house with a yard and a white picket fence. To have 2.5 children and a loving spouse. Where children excel in some sport or another. Working a job you may or may not love just to make it home. Screw it! The American Dream has been pushed into my head for so long. All it does is help us to settle for a lifestyle of pleasing ourselves before others and making sure our needs are met first. What about Jesus? What about His life of sacrifice? Going to church and sitting in a seat all the while absorbing God's grace. This attitude that God's grace is sufficient and we don't have to do anything but receive it. What about the greatest commandment in the New Testament to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. I don't think receiving His grace alone covers that commandment. This is all still a work in progress. I'm trying to figure out my next plan of action.

No News is Good News

My posts have been slacking. I've found this to be a good thing. It seems the more I post the more trouble I'm having dealing with emotions/life situations. Right now, life is stable. I've gotten used to sleeping alone and I'm not wallowing in self pity over being a single mother. Truth is, God has blessed me with an abundance of people just proving He never meant for me to be alone. My mom and dad help so much with Sydney and with companionship. New friends here in Georgia who have helped me realize I'm not the only one who has gone through a tough time. And two old friends who let me know I may be far away but I'm not forgotten. One of the old friends has been sending me letters. If you haven't done it recently, send a letter to someone you care about through the old snail mail. Yes, stamp prices have gone up, but let me tell you it's like a mini mind vacation to read a hand written letter. In the depths of my despair, I felt as though God had abandoned me. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize now that He has great plans for me and my life and I couldn't be more appreciative.

It's Morning

It's morning. And I feel better. Nothing like a good night's rest to reset the good old emotions.

Mood Swings

My moods are getting a lot easier to control and much more predictable than they have been since 10 months ago. But I still have those days, on occasion, where everything makes me melancholy. I get to feeling sorry for myself and in all honesty really want to slap myself in the face to stop the madness. It doesn't work. So I shut my trap, do what I have to do for the day, go to bed, and pray to God that in the morning it's gone. Funny how I can't control my emotions sometimes.

I Hate Being a Single Mom

I love being a mom. I hate being single. But more importantly and more substantially, I HATE being a single mom. I didn't sign up to do this alone. I didn't choose to walk away from Sydney's father. It wasn't a gradual process of accepting the fact that I'd be raising her. It was a tiny second in time where I went from being a married mother to a single mother. It blows. I have help from my parents. I love that. I'll never complain about not having help. I hate going to bed alone and listening to Sydney coo and aww over the monitor and not have someone to look to in a smile knowing he loves her as much as I do. I hate not being held as I fall asleep. I hate not having Syd's dad get excited over her new accomplishments like I do. To know that someone feels the warmth in their chest when she says a new word or conquers a new task. I hate taking her places and out and not having her have her dad there, too. In my mind, it would be easier if it had been my choice. But I was forced into it. I'm probably wrong. I'm sure I'm wrong. Forgive my situational self loathing day.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The sun is out warming the arms and hearts of everything it touches. Including me! I love seeing the first signs of life coming out of the branches. Little sprigs of green everywhere. I love not having to wear shoes. I love not having to bundle Sydney up to go outside. I'm normal. I normal human being. I like it! The sun soaks to my bones and into my soul. It feels oh so nice.

Cooking a Little

I used to hate cooking. Not that I can't do it. I mean following a recipe can get a little hairy at times, but I just don't like how time consuming it is. I always felt like if you cooked, it meant you had to be alone in the kitchen doing nothing but cooking. I found out some people actually cook in pairs/groups and have a fun time doing it. I've only done that once recently, but found out it was pretty fun. So now, I've discovered that I don't mind cooking and I'm trying it more often. I like putting Miss Sydney down for a nap and turning on my music and making a mess in the kitchen. This week I made Thai Curry Chicken with couscous. It was yummy. Tonight I'm in the process of making Tomato Basil Mozzarella Pie with mashed garlic cauliflower as a side dish. We'll see how it turns out. I'm so temperamental these days. One bad result in the kitchen might lead to me giving it up forever. We'll see.

Too Tired to Dream

Ever since I was a little girl, when something semi-traumatic happens I process all the emotions and feelings with series of dreams/bad dreams/nightmares all depending on the situation. I've been having all those since last year about August. It's usually a nightly ritual and I've learned to convince myself it's not real. I've been working a lot the last couple of days and in fact today will be my third day in a row. The good news with this is I'm just too tired to dream. It's been nice to not wake up with a rapid heart rate and feeling panicky. There's a little positive in every negative. Negative: Having to work so hard. Positive: Sound, hard, honest to goodness sleep. People of the county in which I live in... Today, be happy, be healthy, be careful, and for goodness sake stop trying to kill yourselves. It's not fun for anyone involved, especially you.

When You Say the Word "Advanced"

Sydney had her first birthday. It was mellow and low key with a small group of family and friends. Sydney loved it. Sat in her cake and ate enough to provide enough calories for a small village. She only has one first birthday. I loved every minute of her giggles and squeals.

This was her in progress of getting up to sit in it.

This is the after math. Anyway. Sydney had her first year check up with the pediatrician this week. Said Syd is of normal weight and height for a baby of her age... just under the 50th percentile. But those words were uttered that every mother gets slightly giddy over hearing "she's really advanced for her age." I just stared at the pediatrician needing clarification. The pediatrician went further to explain that Sydney obviously can follow commands as she obeys me when I ask her to do things, she runs across the room, knows how to turn the pages of a book, etc. I was giddy. My baby is advanced. I'd love her if she was a dummy. Honestly.

Soundtrack to My Life

I love music of all kinds. Certain genres are my favorite, but I'm really not prejudiced to a good tune if it's from a taboo genre. Pandora is my favorite place to listen to music. I have 7 different stations all of which I listen to at some point or another. Work days I wake up and get ready to my Band of Horse's station. Exercise?? Today's Hip Hop and R&B... come on now.. it makes me run faster. When I shower... the station is "girl country" and I can sing along to most every song. Cooking in the kitchen and I've got "guy country" on because ever girl wants to believe they're making that meal for the love of their life which will be coming home shortly from work. When I'm feeling moody or mellow, I listen to Dawes radio which is an eclectic collection of Dr. Dog and Dawes that tends to make me be a little introspective. Nickel Creek and The Civil Wars radio are there simply because I like folk music and like the sound of a mandolin. I listen to them whenever I'm not doing any of the above listed tasks. AND... on top of that. I do through a little classical music in there. Sydney has been doing nap time with classical music in the background since 4 months old. Won't go to nap time without it. I'm developing a mini genius here in this house. She loves music and will dance to anything that comes on. I can't wait til she can SING and dance along.

A Year Ago Today

I had a normal doctor's appointment. Well, normal since having been put on bed rest due to pre ecclampsia. I was swollen to the size of a NFL linebacker and you could literally leave one word messages in the edema to my legs. My blood pressure was borderline crazy since I rarely get above 100 systolic on a normal day. In to the doctor's office I went to see if my kidneys were tolerating all the fluid that my body was retaining. Urine sample provided...hello to protein in my urine. Non stress test turned out to be something the physician didn't like and these words were uttered, "be at the hospital by 300pm, you're being induced." A little early, but ya know...I was pretty ready to meet her and be done with being pregnant. I left the doctor's office, packed up my stuff, and we headed to the hospital. I showed up to the room got in a pretty gown and laid down. By this time, I was starting to feel some pretty powerful contractions on my own. I'm pretty sure the doc could have touched Sydney's feet during his manual exam at the office...so I'm sure he stimulated something. The sweet nurse started the IV... right where I didn't want it, but I didn't complain. I didn't want to be one of those nurses... you know the ones who tell you exactly how to do everything. The doctor came an examined me again and guess what...I was dilated to 2 on my own. The process was in progress. Pitocin was started... tick tock tick tock. My blood pressure didn't like the contractions so the lights had to be turned down and the noise lowered. Mean while my parents were driving about 100mph from Georgia to Arkansas. Fast forward 10 hrs or so to 100am. My uterus went hypertonic (wouldn't stop contracting) and the pit had to be turned off. A quick check of the uterus showed pushing time. Thankfully, my parents arrived just prior to that time so I got to see them safe before the hard work began. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. I couldn't tell if they were doing anything due to the darn epidural. Two and a half hours later and pretty painful epidural, Sydney arrived. My life was forever changed.

Nostalgia

I like it. I like the feeling of it. That almost eerie feeling of familiarity. Like it's supposed to be the norm but no longer feels right. That's how I describe it. Too many things arouse this emotion these days, but I like it. A t-shirt stuffed in the back of the closet that isn't mine. It's his. Looks familiar, but feels so wrong. He doesn't know me anymore. He'll forever be as he was the day he left. No room for growth or change. But me. I'm blossoming. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm being a better human. He doesn't know me. And, I'm okay with that. Really okay with it actually. I like that I'm learning to be better. A better mom, a better nurse, a better citizen, everything. For the wake up call, the shock to my system. I'm grateful. His going has changed me. He doesn't know me. And it doesn't make me sad.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

And it's not a train. I'm going to survive. There are worse tragedies this world than what I've experienced. Thank you to everyone who has listened to me cry, whine, complain, and moan. I am going to be okay! I say this with confidence. I'm closing this chapter of my life. Moving on.

Firefly

Since recent events, I've become quite the introvert. I don't speak unless spoken to. I absorb all information around me and sit quietly learning from my surroundings. That is... until I found firefly. I love sweet tea, but stopped drinking it since the new year. I've limited myself to firefly... only occasionally. But it's wonderful! Half firefly half sweet and sour...splash of water and a twist of lemon...GOOD STUFF! And what's more...I'm like a word waterfall. Mom and dad say if they ever want me to talk about how I'm feeling, they're giving me a drink. Haha. Just a word for all the friends... drink responsibly. Never drink and drive. Bahahaha.

What A Year

The year of 2011 was eventful to say the least. It's hard to believe this time last year I was very round and very pregnant... not to mention very miserable. I was still working full time and swollen to the size of a beluga whale. Little did I know, that miserable miserable feeling would lead to the best feeling in the world. Sydney is no longer a crawler. She's a full blown walker. Sometimes at the speed of a sprint. Other times, she looks like the baby of Frankenstein. I love it. I love 2011 for everything it brought to me... my sweet daughter... she's perfection. I hate 2011 for everything it.. and he took from me. Security and peace of mind were the first to go. I'm slowly gaining them back, but I think it's going to take some serious time to realize I didn't deserve everything that happened. I do believe I'll love again some day. Maybe, 2012 will be the year I'm absolutely swept off of my feet. If not, Sydney will always be enough.