Sunday, July 31, 2011

The World Spins Madly On

It was quite apparent to me after Chase, my husband, died it only meant crisis for a small group of people.  I felt that the world should stop allowing me and only me to breathe, grieve, and recooperate before the world regained its momentum and sent me back on my way to live my life.  Quite the opposite happened, though.  It seemed the world started spinning in warp speed.  The whiplash from the accelerated rate of spin only exacerbated by the constant flood of different emotions, often more than twenty emotions at once.  Most times I couldn't move from my place strategically on the floor.  I felt that if stayed close to the center of gravity I might not be as disturbed by the nauseating whirl in my head.
In time, the emotions came one at a time, though known to shift rapidly to the next waiting in line. I learned to ignore the saddness and use the anger to help me get things done.  It's been just about two months, but it seems my emotions are limiting themselves to one or two per day.  Numbness through the day and loneliness through night.
I state this long and complex description to say that just when you think you've got a system figured out to control your emotional state, life decides to throw a wrench in the plan and take you for another loop.  All it took today was a visit to a restaurant where Chase and I went on a date and had a wonderful time.  It was while we were visiting my parents in Georgia, I lived in Arkansas at that time, and they watched Sydney for us.  Pizza...and time together as the couple I loved so much for us to be.  I didn't see anything wrong, no warning signs... just a blissful evening of enjoying each other's company.  We ate there today after church and the feeling of loss overwhelmed me.  I ordered the same kind we did that night and remembered us laughing and just being together. 
Then, I looked at Sydney.  Laughing and smiling...nibbling on her fingers... immune to the feeling of emptiness.  I remembered, I'm blessed.  I have her.  God gave me her to help me survive.
The emptiness morphs to gratitude and the world spins madly on.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Hello, my name is "Sydney's Mother"

My name used to be Ashley.  I married and became Ashley B.  Shortly there after, I learned I was with child.  I maintained being Ashley, until I discovered I was having a girl.  That girl's name is Sydney.  As soon as monogrammed diaperbags and burp cloths were presented to me with those beautiful letters, I lost my identity as Ashley and became Sydney's mom. 
It's a beautiful feeling, truly.  I don't want to be anything other than Sydney's mom.  We're going through life together, alone, but with a lot of support from loved ones.  My husband died when Sydney was only four months old.  Now she's six months old, so we've survived two months of alone-togetherness.  The story is long and complicated of his passing, not necessarily a story I want to dive into on my first blog post.  I will say, however, that I would travel the exact same road and experience the exact same trials all for the reward of having my baby girl. 
My sweet girl is napping now.  I could be napping too, but I'm eagerly awaiting for her to wake up so I can explore the world with her.  I look at life through her eyes.  It's full of hope, future, and lots of love. 
My first moments of holding the love of my life.

Pretty self explanatory.  Makes my heart feel like its melting.

Syd's first time at the beach.  Ignore her stuck-up face.  She's not too much of a snob.