A Year Ago Today

I had a normal doctor's appointment. Well, normal since having been put on bed rest due to pre ecclampsia. I was swollen to the size of a NFL linebacker and you could literally leave one word messages in the edema to my legs. My blood pressure was borderline crazy since I rarely get above 100 systolic on a normal day. In to the doctor's office I went to see if my kidneys were tolerating all the fluid that my body was retaining. Urine sample provided...hello to protein in my urine. Non stress test turned out to be something the physician didn't like and these words were uttered, "be at the hospital by 300pm, you're being induced." A little early, but ya know...I was pretty ready to meet her and be done with being pregnant. I left the doctor's office, packed up my stuff, and we headed to the hospital. I showed up to the room got in a pretty gown and laid down. By this time, I was starting to feel some pretty powerful contractions on my own. I'm pretty sure the doc could have touched Sydney's feet during his manual exam at the office...so I'm sure he stimulated something. The sweet nurse started the IV... right where I didn't want it, but I didn't complain. I didn't want to be one of those nurses... you know the ones who tell you exactly how to do everything. The doctor came an examined me again and guess what...I was dilated to 2 on my own. The process was in progress. Pitocin was started... tick tock tick tock. My blood pressure didn't like the contractions so the lights had to be turned down and the noise lowered. Mean while my parents were driving about 100mph from Georgia to Arkansas. Fast forward 10 hrs or so to 100am. My uterus went hypertonic (wouldn't stop contracting) and the pit had to be turned off. A quick check of the uterus showed pushing time. Thankfully, my parents arrived just prior to that time so I got to see them safe before the hard work began. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. I couldn't tell if they were doing anything due to the darn epidural. Two and a half hours later and pretty painful epidural, Sydney arrived. My life was forever changed.

Nostalgia

I like it. I like the feeling of it. That almost eerie feeling of familiarity. Like it's supposed to be the norm but no longer feels right. That's how I describe it. Too many things arouse this emotion these days, but I like it. A t-shirt stuffed in the back of the closet that isn't mine. It's his. Looks familiar, but feels so wrong. He doesn't know me anymore. He'll forever be as he was the day he left. No room for growth or change. But me. I'm blossoming. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm being a better human. He doesn't know me. And, I'm okay with that. Really okay with it actually. I like that I'm learning to be better. A better mom, a better nurse, a better citizen, everything. For the wake up call, the shock to my system. I'm grateful. His going has changed me. He doesn't know me. And it doesn't make me sad.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

And it's not a train. I'm going to survive. There are worse tragedies this world than what I've experienced. Thank you to everyone who has listened to me cry, whine, complain, and moan. I am going to be okay! I say this with confidence. I'm closing this chapter of my life. Moving on.

Firefly

Since recent events, I've become quite the introvert. I don't speak unless spoken to. I absorb all information around me and sit quietly learning from my surroundings. That is... until I found firefly. I love sweet tea, but stopped drinking it since the new year. I've limited myself to firefly... only occasionally. But it's wonderful! Half firefly half sweet and sour...splash of water and a twist of lemon...GOOD STUFF! And what's more...I'm like a word waterfall. Mom and dad say if they ever want me to talk about how I'm feeling, they're giving me a drink. Haha. Just a word for all the friends... drink responsibly. Never drink and drive. Bahahaha.

What A Year

The year of 2011 was eventful to say the least. It's hard to believe this time last year I was very round and very pregnant... not to mention very miserable. I was still working full time and swollen to the size of a beluga whale. Little did I know, that miserable miserable feeling would lead to the best feeling in the world. Sydney is no longer a crawler. She's a full blown walker. Sometimes at the speed of a sprint. Other times, she looks like the baby of Frankenstein. I love it. I love 2011 for everything it brought to me... my sweet daughter... she's perfection. I hate 2011 for everything it.. and he took from me. Security and peace of mind were the first to go. I'm slowly gaining them back, but I think it's going to take some serious time to realize I didn't deserve everything that happened. I do believe I'll love again some day. Maybe, 2012 will be the year I'm absolutely swept off of my feet. If not, Sydney will always be enough.