Sunday, October 30, 2011


Cynical to say the least after all my mess of a life.
I will say that laughter seems to break through at times when I least expect it.  Try as I might to be sour, God brings me laughter.
Last night, I attended a costume party.  We played a game called telephone pictionary.  Look it up, it's funny.  I found myself not only laughing, but cackling.  Cackling so that people who have known me for months now looked at me in disbelief.  It felt good.  Cleansing almost.
On a different note.  Baby clothes often have cute little designs on the BEE-hinds.  Sydney's behind in particular has a cute little cupcake.  Adorable.  Gives me a bit of a sweet tooth. 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

You Don't Understand til You've Been There

You learn all about the grieving process in nursing school. The way it's laid out in seven stages almost gives the illusion that it will be moderately predictable.
1. Shock and Denial- This phase I'm pretty sure I spent lying face down on the cold floor.  At that time, it seemed the best way to break from reality.
2. Pain and Guilt- I never experienced a pain like this before.  Nagging and sickening, feels like it's eating a hole through your soul.  The constant wondering of what I could have done different or how I could have prevented these things...
3. Anger and Bargaining- This seemed to last the longest for me... a good 3 months.  Turning my emotion to anger helped to fuel my energy... it helped me to get things done.  However, I felt like I had become an ugly person.
4. Depression, reflection, lonliness- Losing the person you've chosen to spend your life with... at such an early age, I wonder if I'll feel the emptiness I do now forever.  I think back now, and am grateful for how much he taught me and how he loved me in a way that only he could... how he made me feel.
5. 6. & 7.  The Upward Turn, Reconstruction & Working Through, and Acceptance & Hope.  I couldn't tell you anything about these phases.  I haven't made it there yet.
You see, the tricky thing about this "grieving process."  Listed in numerical order, it sounds as though it should be a uniform process.  But you wake up on any given morning, and it's started from the beginning again.  Square one.  And what's more, they aren't in numerical order.  You skip all over the stages like there is no order to it at all. 
What God was thinking when he gave me Sydney... how He knew that I needed her...
I wouldn't be functional without her. Period.  End of story.
My Sydney.  My rescuing.  In the form of a happy, independent, vivacious 9 month old sweet, beautiful baby girl. 
I'm eternally grateful in the midst of the chaos.