Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
My moods are getting a lot easier to control and much more predictable than they have been since 10 months ago. But I still have those days, on occasion, where everything makes me melancholy. I get to feeling sorry for myself and in all honesty really want to slap myself in the face to stop the madness. It doesn't work. So I shut my trap, do what I have to do for the day, go to bed, and pray to God that in the morning it's gone. Funny how I can't control my emotions sometimes.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I love being a mom. I hate being single. But more importantly and more substantially, I HATE being a single mom. I didn't sign up to do this alone. I didn't choose to walk away from Sydney's father. It wasn't a gradual process of accepting the fact that I'd be raising her. It was a tiny second in time where I went from being a married mother to a single mother. It blows. I have help from my parents. I love that. I'll never complain about not having help. I hate going to bed alone and listening to Sydney coo and aww over the monitor and not have someone to look to in a smile knowing he loves her as much as I do. I hate not being held as I fall asleep. I hate not having Syd's dad get excited over her new accomplishments like I do. To know that someone feels the warmth in their chest when she says a new word or conquers a new task. I hate taking her places and out and not having her have her dad there, too. In my mind, it would be easier if it had been my choice. But I was forced into it. I'm probably wrong. I'm sure I'm wrong. Forgive my situational self loathing day.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The sun is out warming the arms and hearts of everything it touches. Including me! I love seeing the first signs of life coming out of the branches. Little sprigs of green everywhere. I love not having to wear shoes. I love not having to bundle Sydney up to go outside. I'm normal. I normal human being. I like it! The sun soaks to my bones and into my soul. It feels oh so nice.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
I used to hate cooking. Not that I can't do it. I mean following a recipe can get a little hairy at times, but I just don't like how time consuming it is. I always felt like if you cooked, it meant you had to be alone in the kitchen doing nothing but cooking. I found out some people actually cook in pairs/groups and have a fun time doing it. I've only done that once recently, but found out it was pretty fun. So now, I've discovered that I don't mind cooking and I'm trying it more often. I like putting Miss Sydney down for a nap and turning on my music and making a mess in the kitchen. This week I made Thai Curry Chicken with couscous. It was yummy. Tonight I'm in the process of making Tomato Basil Mozzarella Pie with mashed garlic cauliflower as a side dish. We'll see how it turns out. I'm so temperamental these days. One bad result in the kitchen might lead to me giving it up forever. We'll see.