Thursday, November 24, 2011
My middle brother is in from the army and oldest brother will be here with his wife and brand new baby.
Life is good.
But there's a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Nagging.
This time last year I was very pregnant. Here at the same spot with my husband. He's not here today. He's not anywhere. Perplexing. Overwhelming.
I'm thankful to God for family who understands I'm not crazy, just grieving. One day I'll get it figured out. But then of course things will probably change.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I'm back to my foggy funk. All I want to do is stay at home with Sydney and watch her grow.
I did happen to venture out and get a massage at Massage Envy. I called at the beginning of the morning and they said we can get you in if you come in thirty minutes. So I showered, arranged care for Syd, and headed down. Little did I realize that my message therapist was going to be a younger male, very muscular, and not bad looking. Did I care? Nope. Ashley prior to Sydney and of course marriage would have flirted with this guy shamelessly. I laid there and enjoyed every minute of my massage without a word. The only thing I said was thank you.
Something must be wrong with me. Haha. Maybe one day I'll want to flirt again. With how I feel right now, I seriously doubt it.
I'll enjoy life being content with my sweet pea.
Friday, November 11, 2011
I've been discovering new things about how the human brain works or maybe it's just my brain. Defense mechanism or recovery tactic my brain has started to do something I'm not used to. I'm having trouble sorting past, present, and future. I was looking at pictures of Chase yesterday and it felt like I was looking at scenes from a movie I had once watched. It felt familiar but somehow distant. I know in my heart that I love him and that the past was real, but looking at those photos and knowing what reality is now It's created a mental dissonance.
The worst part is that I showed Sydney some of the pictures. To her, he's just a man. She doesn't recognize him. She doesn't know him. But I suppose that it is my duty to acquaint her and tell her the good things of her father. I want her to know him. I want to create love in her heart for him.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
It's something about getting my heart rate up and breaking a good sweat. It's cleansing for the soul and helps clear the mind.
Right now, Sydney is watching The Wizard of Oz. I think she likes all the songs and colors. I wonder how much of this movie is subliminal message. Why is Dorothy's actual life portrayed in a sepia tone and her dreams in vivid color? Maybe to help us remember, when life seems dull/dreary we should keep our dreams bright and vivid? Maybe that's a proverb to my life now.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
With my work schedule, I have a pattern that rotates and begins all over again every three weeks. At the end of this pattern is a glorious stretch of five days off in a row!
Today is day 2 of 5. I spend these wonderful days soaking in the goodness of my sweet Sydney face.
Right now she's napping. As soon as she goes to sleep, I miss her. I want to wake her up. Then I would meet the wrath of no-nap Sydney. It's not a pleasant sight. See example below: still cute but whiny pants.
Sydney was a cow for Halloween. No candy. But an adorable little specimen of human she is.