Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Days with hours alone in a house with Sydney are much needed. It allows us time to be ourselves and develop our mommy-daughter relationship how we want it to be. She likes playing with cars. I'm okay with that. I played with cars and I turned out fine. I wish they had more girly cars, so I could at least feel good about them being pink or something. When we're alone, I think Sydney knows. She knows where my mind goes and how my heart sinks into my belly and feels like it is on fire and eroding from the acid. Being alone allows my mind time to go places like feeling lonely, sad, or wondering the what ifs. She know because she frequently walks up to me, grabs my cheeks with her two tiny little hands, and looks right into my eyes with her two big eyes. She doesn't say a think, just looks. When I'm on the brink of tears, she holds my face harder. It's like she's channeling her thoughts right in my brain. "Mommy, it's okay." She doesn't try to change me or my thoughts. Just letting me know she's here and that's really all that matters. God rest his soul, he gave me the best child I could have ever imagined.