Sunday, December 23, 2012


Going through old photos I found pictures of tiny Sydney. Let me be the first to say the cliche, "Where has the time gone?!?" Found some pictures of the time before our worlds got rocked with the emotional equivalent of an earthquake with a tornado. Can someone tell me why these photos make me feel such a cognitive dissonance? Could it be my brain has blocked out the memory of hurt for so long I just don't know what to feel? Neurotransmitters are definitely confused.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Eye Contact

Days with hours alone in a house with Sydney are much needed. It allows us time to be ourselves and develop our mommy-daughter relationship how we want it to be. She likes playing with cars. I'm okay with that. I played with cars and I turned out fine. I wish they had more girly cars, so I could at least feel good about them being pink or something. When we're alone, I think Sydney knows. She knows where my mind goes and how my heart sinks into my belly and feels like it is on fire and eroding from the acid. Being alone allows my mind time to go places like feeling lonely, sad, or wondering the what ifs. She know because she frequently walks up to me, grabs my cheeks with her two tiny little hands, and looks right into my eyes with her two big eyes. She doesn't say a think, just looks. When I'm on the brink of tears, she holds my face harder. It's like she's channeling her thoughts right in my brain. "Mommy, it's okay." She doesn't try to change me or my thoughts. Just letting me know she's here and that's really all that matters. God rest his soul, he gave me the best child I could have ever imagined.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

On Another Note

I posted a while back about Sydney going to see her paternal grandmother for the first time in over a year. I was concerned about how it would go. Unfortunately, Sydney is in a phase where anyone she doesn't see everyday is a stranger to her and she doesn't want anything to do with them. So, Sydney wouldn't let her grandmother hold her. It broke my heart. A large part of this distancing Sydney has done is my fault. I can't imagine Sydney growing older, like 50, and making me a grandmother. If I couldn't see that baby or hold the baby, I don't know that I could survive. The visit, however, was therapeutic for grandmother and me. We caught up, we chatted, and we realized we have some things in common on this crazy grief trip. I empathize with her more than I ever have before. She lost a child... her baby. No matter how that loss occurred, that void can never be filled. I don't even want to imagine losing my child. So on that note, I've increased my photo/video sending and am being a lot more cordial. Because in the hindsight of things, she and I used to get along so well. Amazing how turmoil can make people do rotten things. For my silence to her on things regarding Sydney, I am sorry.