Thursday, August 25, 2011

Mommy, You Spend To Much Time On Gossip

I deactivated my FB account.  I realized a lot of my quality time with Sydney was being wasted on me being nosy into other people's lives.  I've deactivated FB and created Picasa to upload my photos.  I twitter occasionally which doesn't take near as much time.  I already feel socially more healthy.  I might go back to it eventually, but for now I'm happy with my decision.
Sydney is napping.  Sometimes I want to go lay down beside her, but I know I'll just wake her up.  She likes her sleep.
James 1:2.  TRUTH.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Happy Birthday Mommy or as Sydney says, "WAwaBAWaLaLa!"

Twenty-four.  The beginning of the mid twenties.  I never dreamed by this point in my life I'd already have been married, had a baby, and widowed.  You know, life is good though.
I have begun to praise God in this recent time of struggle/hardship.  My character, strength, perspective, and overall life has grown.  I thought I would never have a positive outlook on life again, but here I sit... thanking God for all he has done for me.  I have a perfect child.  God's gift to me for all of eternity. 
What a perfect birthday present Sydney is.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

And then I realized...

They can't control me anymore.
I'm free.  I'm free of their micromanaging.
So what to do now... LIVE.

I'm happy.  I'm working... I'm making friends.  I love Sydney more than life itself.  I have a good life and this is my new beginning.  I'm done looking back because if I continue to do so, I'll never move forward.  So from this moment on, I'm letting the pain, hurt and betrayal go.  What else can I do but live.
I'm taking this second chance and doing it the right way.  The way God intended. 
I will however say... my reward for being diligent... even when I went the wrong way..was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I love you Sydney Lauren and your sweet grins.

Thursday, August 4, 2011


His ex-wife...the one who cheated on him while they were married and had a 1 year old... has tattooed a letter C on her side...I can only imagine what it's for.  Then...she gets to go home and cuddle up next to her boyfriend and get all the affection/attention she desires.  While I'm here about at my wits end.  How does she get to mourn this and permanently alter her body when she contributed the most to his despression/addiction in the first place.
I don't even know what else to say.  I'm at a loss.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Innocent Villian

I'm finally getting to go back to work next week.  I'm so excited to jump back into my career.  I have a job at a wonderful ER with lots of room for professional growth and development for me as a nurse.  Over 65 beds, a trauma level 2, and tons of learning opportunities.  I'm getting grief for moving and staying in Georgia.  Like I chose this path on my own without help from the situation.
I'm a horrible person for coming here where I have help to raise my daughter.  I'm expected to live there in Arkansas in the shell of a world Chase left behind by his decisions.  There are days where I can hardly function here much less there where everything is him.  I understand it's horrible that Sydney and her brother won't spend much time together, but I didn't make that choice on my own.  I can't imagine living there with the manipulation I'm being put through being three states away.  I'm outside the sphere of influence and losing control makes them angry.  So they intentionally do things to hurt me.  Little do they know, it only makes me want to stay away even more. 
I feel imprisoned by my desire to try to make them happy.  I've come to the realization it's either their happiness or my own.  Their desires lead my life down a dead end road while my choices are opening a new world for me. 
I just needed to vent.
On a much happier note, Sydney slept from 10 to 630 this morning.  So glad all she feels are her direct needs.  When do the complex emotions start?