Oh... did I get that wrong? I know it's Laugh and the World Laughs with You. Sydney has developed a new skill. Clapping. Anytime she hears clapping on television, radio, real life, etc. she claps. So maybe I should say Clap and Sydney Claps with You.
I'm back to my foggy funk. All I want to do is stay at home with Sydney and watch her grow.
I did happen to venture out and get a massage at Massage Envy. I called at the beginning of the morning and they said we can get you in if you come in thirty minutes. So I showered, arranged care for Syd, and headed down. Little did I realize that my message therapist was going to be a younger male, very muscular, and not bad looking. Did I care? Nope. Ashley prior to Sydney and of course marriage would have flirted with this guy shamelessly. I laid there and enjoyed every minute of my massage without a word. The only thing I said was thank you.
Something must be wrong with me. Haha. Maybe one day I'll want to flirt again. With how I feel right now, I seriously doubt it.
I'll enjoy life being content with my sweet pea.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Friday, November 11, 2011
The Mind is a Funny Thing
I've been discovering new things about how the human brain works or maybe it's just my brain. Defense mechanism or recovery tactic my brain has started to do something I'm not used to. I'm having trouble sorting past, present, and future. I was looking at pictures of Chase yesterday and it felt like I was looking at scenes from a movie I had once watched. It felt familiar but somehow distant. I know in my heart that I love him and that the past was real, but looking at those photos and knowing what reality is now It's created a mental dissonance.
The worst part is that I showed Sydney some of the pictures. To her, he's just a man. She doesn't recognize him. She doesn't know him. But I suppose that it is my duty to acquaint her and tell her the good things of her father. I want her to know him. I want to create love in her heart for him.
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Thursday, November 10, 2011
Keep Your Dreams Bright and Vivid
I had been running outside with the nice weather. Pushing Sydney in her jogging stroller. Then the weather snapped off in a cold spell and Sydney got sick... thus my exercising ceased. I've deemed today the day to return to the gym.
It's something about getting my heart rate up and breaking a good sweat. It's cleansing for the soul and helps clear the mind.
Right now, Sydney is watching The Wizard of Oz. I think she likes all the songs and colors. I wonder how much of this movie is subliminal message. Why is Dorothy's actual life portrayed in a sepia tone and her dreams in vivid color? Maybe to help us remember, when life seems dull/dreary we should keep our dreams bright and vivid? Maybe that's a proverb to my life now.
It's something about getting my heart rate up and breaking a good sweat. It's cleansing for the soul and helps clear the mind.
Right now, Sydney is watching The Wizard of Oz. I think she likes all the songs and colors. I wonder how much of this movie is subliminal message. Why is Dorothy's actual life portrayed in a sepia tone and her dreams in vivid color? Maybe to help us remember, when life seems dull/dreary we should keep our dreams bright and vivid? Maybe that's a proverb to my life now.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Sweet Moments
I have reached the time of the month that I long for most. No..not "the time of the month."
With my work schedule, I have a pattern that rotates and begins all over again every three weeks. At the end of this pattern is a glorious stretch of five days off in a row!
Today is day 2 of 5. I spend these wonderful days soaking in the goodness of my sweet Sydney face.
Right now she's napping. As soon as she goes to sleep, I miss her. I want to wake her up. Then I would meet the wrath of no-nap Sydney. It's not a pleasant sight. See example below: still cute but whiny pants.
Sydney was a cow for Halloween. No candy. But an adorable little specimen of human she is.
With my work schedule, I have a pattern that rotates and begins all over again every three weeks. At the end of this pattern is a glorious stretch of five days off in a row!
Today is day 2 of 5. I spend these wonderful days soaking in the goodness of my sweet Sydney face.
Right now she's napping. As soon as she goes to sleep, I miss her. I want to wake her up. Then I would meet the wrath of no-nap Sydney. It's not a pleasant sight. See example below: still cute but whiny pants.
Sydney was a cow for Halloween. No candy. But an adorable little specimen of human she is.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Laughter
Cynical to say the least after all my mess of a life.
I will say that laughter seems to break through at times when I least expect it. Try as I might to be sour, God brings me laughter.
Last night, I attended a costume party. We played a game called telephone pictionary. Look it up, it's funny. I found myself not only laughing, but cackling. Cackling so that people who have known me for months now looked at me in disbelief. It felt good. Cleansing almost.
On a different note. Baby clothes often have cute little designs on the BEE-hinds. Sydney's behind in particular has a cute little cupcake. Adorable. Gives me a bit of a sweet tooth.
I will say that laughter seems to break through at times when I least expect it. Try as I might to be sour, God brings me laughter.
Last night, I attended a costume party. We played a game called telephone pictionary. Look it up, it's funny. I found myself not only laughing, but cackling. Cackling so that people who have known me for months now looked at me in disbelief. It felt good. Cleansing almost.
On a different note. Baby clothes often have cute little designs on the BEE-hinds. Sydney's behind in particular has a cute little cupcake. Adorable. Gives me a bit of a sweet tooth.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
You Don't Understand til You've Been There
You learn all about the grieving process in nursing school. The way it's laid out in seven stages almost gives the illusion that it will be moderately predictable.
1. Shock and Denial- This phase I'm pretty sure I spent lying face down on the cold floor. At that time, it seemed the best way to break from reality.
2. Pain and Guilt- I never experienced a pain like this before. Nagging and sickening, feels like it's eating a hole through your soul. The constant wondering of what I could have done different or how I could have prevented these things...
3. Anger and Bargaining- This seemed to last the longest for me... a good 3 months. Turning my emotion to anger helped to fuel my energy... it helped me to get things done. However, I felt like I had become an ugly person.
4. Depression, reflection, lonliness- Losing the person you've chosen to spend your life with... at such an early age, I wonder if I'll feel the emptiness I do now forever. I think back now, and am grateful for how much he taught me and how he loved me in a way that only he could... how he made me feel.
5. 6. & 7. The Upward Turn, Reconstruction & Working Through, and Acceptance & Hope. I couldn't tell you anything about these phases. I haven't made it there yet.
You see, the tricky thing about this "grieving process." Listed in numerical order, it sounds as though it should be a uniform process. But you wake up on any given morning, and it's started from the beginning again. Square one. And what's more, they aren't in numerical order. You skip all over the stages like there is no order to it at all.
What God was thinking when he gave me Sydney... how He knew that I needed her...
I wouldn't be functional without her. Period. End of story.
My Sydney. My rescuing. In the form of a happy, independent, vivacious 9 month old sweet, beautiful baby girl.
I'm eternally grateful in the midst of the chaos.
1. Shock and Denial- This phase I'm pretty sure I spent lying face down on the cold floor. At that time, it seemed the best way to break from reality.
2. Pain and Guilt- I never experienced a pain like this before. Nagging and sickening, feels like it's eating a hole through your soul. The constant wondering of what I could have done different or how I could have prevented these things...
3. Anger and Bargaining- This seemed to last the longest for me... a good 3 months. Turning my emotion to anger helped to fuel my energy... it helped me to get things done. However, I felt like I had become an ugly person.
4. Depression, reflection, lonliness- Losing the person you've chosen to spend your life with... at such an early age, I wonder if I'll feel the emptiness I do now forever. I think back now, and am grateful for how much he taught me and how he loved me in a way that only he could... how he made me feel.
5. 6. & 7. The Upward Turn, Reconstruction & Working Through, and Acceptance & Hope. I couldn't tell you anything about these phases. I haven't made it there yet.
You see, the tricky thing about this "grieving process." Listed in numerical order, it sounds as though it should be a uniform process. But you wake up on any given morning, and it's started from the beginning again. Square one. And what's more, they aren't in numerical order. You skip all over the stages like there is no order to it at all.
What God was thinking when he gave me Sydney... how He knew that I needed her...
I wouldn't be functional without her. Period. End of story.
My Sydney. My rescuing. In the form of a happy, independent, vivacious 9 month old sweet, beautiful baby girl.
I'm eternally grateful in the midst of the chaos.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Life Goes On
Sydney sees the world from two views: things she wants and things she doesn't want.
Things she wants: Food (of any kind), undivided attention of anyone, room to roam, to get into anything and everything, and most importantly- love and kisses from her mother.
Things she doesn't want: Naps, Diaper Changes, Clothes (she prefers to be naked)
My girl is happy, always. I love her joy in life... it radiates. Makes me joyful.
Things she wants: Food (of any kind), undivided attention of anyone, room to roam, to get into anything and everything, and most importantly- love and kisses from her mother.
Things she doesn't want: Naps, Diaper Changes, Clothes (she prefers to be naked)
My girl is happy, always. I love her joy in life... it radiates. Makes me joyful.
She doesn't look too happy here...but she was just in the middle of blowing a raspberry. A preview from her photoshoot with a real professional...from Australia!
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