Almost that time...

It's almost been a year since he left. I have such an odd feeling about it. I'm not necessarily sad, but I'm uneasy. It makes me uncomfortable. It seems such a short time ago, but feels as if ages have passed. I feel like it will be a mile stone for me in my grieving process. The last little blip to go through that I haven't gone through before. Everything else will just be a repeat of the time before and I'll learn how to handle it better and better. I think with the passing of next Monday, I'm also going to make a point to desperately try to avoid talking about it. Period. Sydney is doing so well. She has so much love surrounding her and she's the happiest little girl. Life. Funny how it is. It seems to work itself out. We are okay. Really.

What Sydney Doesn't Know

Today is Mother's Day. Oddly enough, it's been tough for me to swallow. I know, Ashley grow up and get over it. Well, the truth is I'm struggling. Mother's day is a day for appreciating mother's, right? A lot of the time this appreciation comes from the husband of the mother. My daughter's father isn't here to appreciate the mother I am to his daughter. That's been difficult for my mind to wrap around. This time last year, my husband gave me a ring from Sydney. One that I had been eyeing for some time. It was a nice day. I remember it well and remembering a good time with him sometimes makes me sad. I could tell it had been bothering me the last couple of days because I've been having the nightmares again. BLAH to that. As I sit here typing that. I do realize I have someone who appreciates the mother I am. Sydney. Every time she reaches for me when she's in someone else's arms, every time she grins from ear to ear when I get her out of bed in the morning, every time she gives me a kiss... my baby is thanking me for being her mother. With all the really crappy stuff he did, I've got him to thank for giving me the mother's day gift that keeps on giving... my child's love.

An Introduction

Sydney has been hanging out with a friend on a regular basis. She thinks he is sweet, wonderful, thoughtful, and attractive. Wait, maybe that's what I think of him. We've been hanging out for a little while now, and I think he's quite possibly the swellest guy just after my dad. Syd likes to play with him and grab his finger to take him on a walk. This is an introduction to Zack. He's mending, bending, building, and stealing our hearts.

Screw the American Dream

"The American Dream" To live in a 4bedroom 3 bathroom house with a yard and a white picket fence. To have 2.5 children and a loving spouse. Where children excel in some sport or another. Working a job you may or may not love just to make it home. Screw it! The American Dream has been pushed into my head for so long. All it does is help us to settle for a lifestyle of pleasing ourselves before others and making sure our needs are met first. What about Jesus? What about His life of sacrifice? Going to church and sitting in a seat all the while absorbing God's grace. This attitude that God's grace is sufficient and we don't have to do anything but receive it. What about the greatest commandment in the New Testament to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. I don't think receiving His grace alone covers that commandment. This is all still a work in progress. I'm trying to figure out my next plan of action.

No News is Good News

My posts have been slacking. I've found this to be a good thing. It seems the more I post the more trouble I'm having dealing with emotions/life situations. Right now, life is stable. I've gotten used to sleeping alone and I'm not wallowing in self pity over being a single mother. Truth is, God has blessed me with an abundance of people just proving He never meant for me to be alone. My mom and dad help so much with Sydney and with companionship. New friends here in Georgia who have helped me realize I'm not the only one who has gone through a tough time. And two old friends who let me know I may be far away but I'm not forgotten. One of the old friends has been sending me letters. If you haven't done it recently, send a letter to someone you care about through the old snail mail. Yes, stamp prices have gone up, but let me tell you it's like a mini mind vacation to read a hand written letter. In the depths of my despair, I felt as though God had abandoned me. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize now that He has great plans for me and my life and I couldn't be more appreciative.

It's Morning

It's morning. And I feel better. Nothing like a good night's rest to reset the good old emotions.

Mood Swings

My moods are getting a lot easier to control and much more predictable than they have been since 10 months ago. But I still have those days, on occasion, where everything makes me melancholy. I get to feeling sorry for myself and in all honesty really want to slap myself in the face to stop the madness. It doesn't work. So I shut my trap, do what I have to do for the day, go to bed, and pray to God that in the morning it's gone. Funny how I can't control my emotions sometimes.