Life Goes On

Sydney sees the world from two views: things she wants and things she doesn't want.
Things she wants:  Food (of any kind), undivided attention of anyone, room to roam, to get into anything and everything, and most importantly- love and kisses from her mother.
Things she doesn't want:  Naps, Diaper Changes, Clothes (she prefers to be naked)
My girl is happy, always.  I love her joy in life... it radiates.  Makes me joyful. 

She doesn't look too happy here...but she was just in the middle of blowing a raspberry.  A preview from her photoshoot with a real professional...from Australia!

Mommy, You Spend To Much Time On Gossip

I deactivated my FB account.  I realized a lot of my quality time with Sydney was being wasted on me being nosy into other people's lives.  I've deactivated FB and created Picasa to upload my photos.  I twitter occasionally which doesn't take near as much time.  I already feel socially more healthy.  I might go back to it eventually, but for now I'm happy with my decision.
Sydney is napping.  Sometimes I want to go lay down beside her, but I know I'll just wake her up.  She likes her sleep.
James 1:2.  TRUTH.

Happy Birthday Mommy or as Sydney says, "WAwaBAWaLaLa!"

Twenty-four.  The beginning of the mid twenties.  I never dreamed by this point in my life I'd already have been married, had a baby, and widowed.  You know, life is good though.
I have begun to praise God in this recent time of struggle/hardship.  My character, strength, perspective, and overall life has grown.  I thought I would never have a positive outlook on life again, but here I sit... thanking God for all he has done for me.  I have a perfect child.  God's gift to me for all of eternity. 

What a perfect birthday present Sydney is.

And then I realized...

They can't control me anymore.
I'm free.  I'm free of their micromanaging.
So what to do now... LIVE.

I'm happy.  I'm working... I'm making friends.  I love Sydney more than life itself.  I have a good life and this is my new beginning.  I'm done looking back because if I continue to do so, I'll never move forward.  So from this moment on, I'm letting the pain, hurt and betrayal go.  What else can I do but live.
I'm taking this second chance and doing it the right way.  The way God intended. 
I will however say... my reward for being diligent... even when I went the wrong way..was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I love you Sydney Lauren and your sweet grins.

Really?

His ex-wife...the one who cheated on him while they were married and had a 1 year old... has tattooed a letter C on her side...I can only imagine what it's for.  Then...she gets to go home and cuddle up next to her boyfriend and get all the affection/attention she desires.  While I'm here about at my wits end.  How does she get to mourn this and permanently alter her body when she contributed the most to his despression/addiction in the first place.
I don't even know what else to say.  I'm at a loss.

Innocent Villian

I'm finally getting to go back to work next week.  I'm so excited to jump back into my career.  I have a job at a wonderful ER with lots of room for professional growth and development for me as a nurse.  Over 65 beds, a trauma level 2, and tons of learning opportunities.  I'm getting grief for moving and staying in Georgia.  Like I chose this path on my own without help from the situation.
I'm a horrible person for coming here where I have help to raise my daughter.  I'm expected to live there in Arkansas in the shell of a world Chase left behind by his decisions.  There are days where I can hardly function here much less there where everything is him.  I understand it's horrible that Sydney and her brother won't spend much time together, but I didn't make that choice on my own.  I can't imagine living there with the manipulation I'm being put through being three states away.  I'm outside the sphere of influence and losing control makes them angry.  So they intentionally do things to hurt me.  Little do they know, it only makes me want to stay away even more. 
I feel imprisoned by my desire to try to make them happy.  I've come to the realization it's either their happiness or my own.  Their desires lead my life down a dead end road while my choices are opening a new world for me. 
I just needed to vent.
On a much happier note, Sydney slept from 10 to 630 this morning.  So glad all she feels are her direct needs.  When do the complex emotions start?

The World Spins Madly On

It was quite apparent to me after Chase, my husband, died it only meant crisis for a small group of people.  I felt that the world should stop allowing me and only me to breathe, grieve, and recooperate before the world regained its momentum and sent me back on my way to live my life.  Quite the opposite happened, though.  It seemed the world started spinning in warp speed.  The whiplash from the accelerated rate of spin only exacerbated by the constant flood of different emotions, often more than twenty emotions at once.  Most times I couldn't move from my place strategically on the floor.  I felt that if stayed close to the center of gravity I might not be as disturbed by the nauseating whirl in my head.
In time, the emotions came one at a time, though known to shift rapidly to the next waiting in line. I learned to ignore the saddness and use the anger to help me get things done.  It's been just about two months, but it seems my emotions are limiting themselves to one or two per day.  Numbness through the day and loneliness through night.
I state this long and complex description to say that just when you think you've got a system figured out to control your emotional state, life decides to throw a wrench in the plan and take you for another loop.  All it took today was a visit to a restaurant where Chase and I went on a date and had a wonderful time.  It was while we were visiting my parents in Georgia, I lived in Arkansas at that time, and they watched Sydney for us.  Pizza...and time together as the couple I loved so much for us to be.  I didn't see anything wrong, no warning signs... just a blissful evening of enjoying each other's company.  We ate there today after church and the feeling of loss overwhelmed me.  I ordered the same kind we did that night and remembered us laughing and just being together. 
Then, I looked at Sydney.  Laughing and smiling...nibbling on her fingers... immune to the feeling of emptiness.  I remembered, I'm blessed.  I have her.  God gave me her to help me survive.
The emptiness morphs to gratitude and the world spins madly on.