The World Spins Madly On

It was quite apparent to me after Chase, my husband, died it only meant crisis for a small group of people.  I felt that the world should stop allowing me and only me to breathe, grieve, and recooperate before the world regained its momentum and sent me back on my way to live my life.  Quite the opposite happened, though.  It seemed the world started spinning in warp speed.  The whiplash from the accelerated rate of spin only exacerbated by the constant flood of different emotions, often more than twenty emotions at once.  Most times I couldn't move from my place strategically on the floor.  I felt that if stayed close to the center of gravity I might not be as disturbed by the nauseating whirl in my head.
In time, the emotions came one at a time, though known to shift rapidly to the next waiting in line. I learned to ignore the saddness and use the anger to help me get things done.  It's been just about two months, but it seems my emotions are limiting themselves to one or two per day.  Numbness through the day and loneliness through night.
I state this long and complex description to say that just when you think you've got a system figured out to control your emotional state, life decides to throw a wrench in the plan and take you for another loop.  All it took today was a visit to a restaurant where Chase and I went on a date and had a wonderful time.  It was while we were visiting my parents in Georgia, I lived in Arkansas at that time, and they watched Sydney for us.  Pizza...and time together as the couple I loved so much for us to be.  I didn't see anything wrong, no warning signs... just a blissful evening of enjoying each other's company.  We ate there today after church and the feeling of loss overwhelmed me.  I ordered the same kind we did that night and remembered us laughing and just being together. 
Then, I looked at Sydney.  Laughing and smiling...nibbling on her fingers... immune to the feeling of emptiness.  I remembered, I'm blessed.  I have her.  God gave me her to help me survive.
The emptiness morphs to gratitude and the world spins madly on.