Mood Swings

My moods are getting a lot easier to control and much more predictable than they have been since 10 months ago. But I still have those days, on occasion, where everything makes me melancholy. I get to feeling sorry for myself and in all honesty really want to slap myself in the face to stop the madness. It doesn't work. So I shut my trap, do what I have to do for the day, go to bed, and pray to God that in the morning it's gone. Funny how I can't control my emotions sometimes.

I Hate Being a Single Mom

I love being a mom. I hate being single. But more importantly and more substantially, I HATE being a single mom. I didn't sign up to do this alone. I didn't choose to walk away from Sydney's father. It wasn't a gradual process of accepting the fact that I'd be raising her. It was a tiny second in time where I went from being a married mother to a single mother. It blows. I have help from my parents. I love that. I'll never complain about not having help. I hate going to bed alone and listening to Sydney coo and aww over the monitor and not have someone to look to in a smile knowing he loves her as much as I do. I hate not being held as I fall asleep. I hate not having Syd's dad get excited over her new accomplishments like I do. To know that someone feels the warmth in their chest when she says a new word or conquers a new task. I hate taking her places and out and not having her have her dad there, too. In my mind, it would be easier if it had been my choice. But I was forced into it. I'm probably wrong. I'm sure I'm wrong. Forgive my situational self loathing day.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

The sun is out warming the arms and hearts of everything it touches. Including me! I love seeing the first signs of life coming out of the branches. Little sprigs of green everywhere. I love not having to wear shoes. I love not having to bundle Sydney up to go outside. I'm normal. I normal human being. I like it! The sun soaks to my bones and into my soul. It feels oh so nice.

Cooking a Little

I used to hate cooking. Not that I can't do it. I mean following a recipe can get a little hairy at times, but I just don't like how time consuming it is. I always felt like if you cooked, it meant you had to be alone in the kitchen doing nothing but cooking. I found out some people actually cook in pairs/groups and have a fun time doing it. I've only done that once recently, but found out it was pretty fun. So now, I've discovered that I don't mind cooking and I'm trying it more often. I like putting Miss Sydney down for a nap and turning on my music and making a mess in the kitchen. This week I made Thai Curry Chicken with couscous. It was yummy. Tonight I'm in the process of making Tomato Basil Mozzarella Pie with mashed garlic cauliflower as a side dish. We'll see how it turns out. I'm so temperamental these days. One bad result in the kitchen might lead to me giving it up forever. We'll see.

Too Tired to Dream

Ever since I was a little girl, when something semi-traumatic happens I process all the emotions and feelings with series of dreams/bad dreams/nightmares all depending on the situation. I've been having all those since last year about August. It's usually a nightly ritual and I've learned to convince myself it's not real. I've been working a lot the last couple of days and in fact today will be my third day in a row. The good news with this is I'm just too tired to dream. It's been nice to not wake up with a rapid heart rate and feeling panicky. There's a little positive in every negative. Negative: Having to work so hard. Positive: Sound, hard, honest to goodness sleep. People of the county in which I live in... Today, be happy, be healthy, be careful, and for goodness sake stop trying to kill yourselves. It's not fun for anyone involved, especially you.

When You Say the Word "Advanced"

Sydney had her first birthday. It was mellow and low key with a small group of family and friends. Sydney loved it. Sat in her cake and ate enough to provide enough calories for a small village. She only has one first birthday. I loved every minute of her giggles and squeals.

This was her in progress of getting up to sit in it.

This is the after math. Anyway. Sydney had her first year check up with the pediatrician this week. Said Syd is of normal weight and height for a baby of her age... just under the 50th percentile. But those words were uttered that every mother gets slightly giddy over hearing "she's really advanced for her age." I just stared at the pediatrician needing clarification. The pediatrician went further to explain that Sydney obviously can follow commands as she obeys me when I ask her to do things, she runs across the room, knows how to turn the pages of a book, etc. I was giddy. My baby is advanced. I'd love her if she was a dummy. Honestly.

Soundtrack to My Life

I love music of all kinds. Certain genres are my favorite, but I'm really not prejudiced to a good tune if it's from a taboo genre. Pandora is my favorite place to listen to music. I have 7 different stations all of which I listen to at some point or another. Work days I wake up and get ready to my Band of Horse's station. Exercise?? Today's Hip Hop and R&B... come on now.. it makes me run faster. When I shower... the station is "girl country" and I can sing along to most every song. Cooking in the kitchen and I've got "guy country" on because ever girl wants to believe they're making that meal for the love of their life which will be coming home shortly from work. When I'm feeling moody or mellow, I listen to Dawes radio which is an eclectic collection of Dr. Dog and Dawes that tends to make me be a little introspective. Nickel Creek and The Civil Wars radio are there simply because I like folk music and like the sound of a mandolin. I listen to them whenever I'm not doing any of the above listed tasks. AND... on top of that. I do through a little classical music in there. Sydney has been doing nap time with classical music in the background since 4 months old. Won't go to nap time without it. I'm developing a mini genius here in this house. She loves music and will dance to anything that comes on. I can't wait til she can SING and dance along.