Why Not?

So, Sydney's two, but I wouldn't call it terrible.  I feel like she's beginning to understand she can make some of her own decisions.
There is a bit of tension and some days we're both in tears.
I'm realizing I can't be her best friend and that hurts my feelings.
I love this child and there is no one else in the world I would rather spend time with.
Apparently, if I'm her best friend, I'm going to let her walk all over me.
I have to put my big girl panties on and be more of her mom and less of her friend.
Who says we still can't have fun while we're at it?

Verbal Spew

Sydney is growing ever so fast.  We're going through mood swings and attention fits.
It's had it's ups and it's had it's downs, but I do love being her mother.
The other day when going in to get her out of bed in the morning because she was talking to herself we had a funny little moment of attitude.
Opened the door to get her up and she says "no, shut the door.  I'm sleeping!"
Haha.  At least I can find a little humor in the attitude she's developing.

100 Things

A lot of bloggers have been doing lists of 100 things about themselves... we'll see how I do.
#1  My name is Ashley.
#2  I have a daughter named Sydney.
#3  I am a widow.
#4  I won't be #3 for long as I am engaged.
#5  I enjoy running especially in warm weather.
#6  Dr. Pepper 10 kick starts my morning.
#7  I love to read.
#8  I am a registered nurse in an Emergency Department.
#9  My first choice for career in college was Journalism.
#10  I changed my major to nursing when I realized it was a high job security field.
#11  I have two older brothers.  One of them is in Afghanistan.
#12  I LOVE music.  I especially love doing #5 while listening to a great playlist.
#13  I like horseback riding.
#14  Hiking, camping, and exploring the outdoors are where I feel the most alive.
#15  I am an introvert, but haven't always been.
#16  I am somewhat decent at speaking Spanish.
#17  I have one childhood friend left.  I've known him since I was 16.  I don't know where the rest are.
#18  #17 Saddens me.  I mean, how could people who meant so much at one time just disappear.
#19  I wish I lived on a ranch in Montana.
#20  I wish I knew how to use my fancy camera, but I don't.
#21  I am addicted to watching the television show Golden Girls before going to sleep.
#22  I frequently have nightmares.  I don't think #21 and #22 correlate.
#23  I bite my fingernails.  It's disgusting.  I hate it.  I can quit for 2 months at a time.
#24  I have blue eyes.
#25  Hippos are my favorite animals.
#26  Getting tired of this list making already.
#27  My pet peeve is laziness at the workplace.
#28  I support the right to bare arms.
#29  I also believe in strict background checks prior to being able to obtain a firearm.
#30  I would like to visit New Zealand.
#31  Parasites scare me.
#32  I'm tired of this list thing.
#33  I realize that it is likely no one care to read 100 things about me anyway.
#34  It's my blog, so I don't care.
#35  I can't dance.
#36  Yellow is my favorite color.
#37  I like singing in the shower/car.
#38  I'm done.

38% isn't bad...right?
Haha.

My Life At Present

There have been several changes since the beginning of the year. To start... I'm engaged. Zack has decided to commit himself to me for the rest of his life. That last sentence sounds a little like he's checking himself into an insane asylum. Which is probably is. I'm moody, temperamental, lacking confidence (or backbone), and a tad bit needy because of my separation anxiety. But guess what, he doesn't care. He loves me. Said he'll love me til the day he dies. Which better not be anytime soon because I don't think I could handle going through that a second time.

That's the proof. He did a great job picking out the ring. Sydney just loves Zack. Speaking of Sydney, she's now two. She loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, playing puzzles, and is talking up a storm. She's completely potty trained. We're working on the paci. I think it's as much of a crutch for me as it is for her.  She just sleeps so good with it and I'm afraid I'll be up every hour again if I take it away.
She had her birthday at chuck e cheese.  She loved it.  Especially the kiddie rides, but only if you didn't turn them on.

All is well.  Life is good.  I have my ups and downs, my occasional bad dreams, but I'm doing just fine.

Happy New Year

It's hard to believe I've almost been a mom for 2 years. I've loved every minute of it. She is the light of my life.

Memories

Going through old photos I found pictures of tiny Sydney. Let me be the first to say the cliche, "Where has the time gone?!?" Found some pictures of the time before our worlds got rocked with the emotional equivalent of an earthquake with a tornado. Can someone tell me why these photos make me feel such a cognitive dissonance? Could it be my brain has blocked out the memory of hurt for so long I just don't know what to feel? Neurotransmitters are definitely confused.

Eye Contact

Days with hours alone in a house with Sydney are much needed. It allows us time to be ourselves and develop our mommy-daughter relationship how we want it to be. She likes playing with cars. I'm okay with that. I played with cars and I turned out fine. I wish they had more girly cars, so I could at least feel good about them being pink or something. When we're alone, I think Sydney knows. She knows where my mind goes and how my heart sinks into my belly and feels like it is on fire and eroding from the acid. Being alone allows my mind time to go places like feeling lonely, sad, or wondering the what ifs. She know because she frequently walks up to me, grabs my cheeks with her two tiny little hands, and looks right into my eyes with her two big eyes. She doesn't say a think, just looks. When I'm on the brink of tears, she holds my face harder. It's like she's channeling her thoughts right in my brain. "Mommy, it's okay." She doesn't try to change me or my thoughts. Just letting me know she's here and that's really all that matters. God rest his soul, he gave me the best child I could have ever imagined.

On Another Note

I posted a while back about Sydney going to see her paternal grandmother for the first time in over a year. I was concerned about how it would go. Unfortunately, Sydney is in a phase where anyone she doesn't see everyday is a stranger to her and she doesn't want anything to do with them. So, Sydney wouldn't let her grandmother hold her. It broke my heart. A large part of this distancing Sydney has done is my fault. I can't imagine Sydney growing older, like 50, and making me a grandmother. If I couldn't see that baby or hold the baby, I don't know that I could survive. The visit, however, was therapeutic for grandmother and me. We caught up, we chatted, and we realized we have some things in common on this crazy grief trip. I empathize with her more than I ever have before. She lost a child... her baby. No matter how that loss occurred, that void can never be filled. I don't even want to imagine losing my child. So on that note, I've increased my photo/video sending and am being a lot more cordial. Because in the hindsight of things, she and I used to get along so well. Amazing how turmoil can make people do rotten things. For my silence to her on things regarding Sydney, I am sorry.

Sometimes it Happens

You know those days/weeks/months/years when things just don't go your way and you find yourself being sour about it? It's been a week or two of that for me. I'm stuck in a rut of the same old same old stuff and it's just that OLD. I should be happy for the monotony, but it seems to be wearing me out. I feel like I don't have much independence. The adults around me all seem to be in bad moods all the time, at home and at work. Sometimes I want to take Sydney and run away to a hiding place. Maybe a cabin the woods just to get a break from what everybody else wants. I'm probably selfish. Actually, I know I am. At least I'm thinking about Sydney.

Hello

I worked Thanksgiving day and the day after. Not to mention the Tuesday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Oh, and following it up with Sunday working too. These 12 hour shifts will make you loony. Watch out anyone who crosses me. I'm going to need about 3 days of re-cooperation time.

Work Work Work

Happy Thanksgiving Week. I'll be working four days in a row. Happy Holidays to me! Sorry Wal Mart employees who are upset about working Thanksgiving night. I'll be working all day and all day black Friday, too. Don't worry, I won't be along with the masses who come to your store to shop on Thanksgiving. After work, I'll be going home and straight to bed.

Travel Time

I'll be taking Sydney to Arkansas this weekend to visit family prior to the holiday since I'll be working nearly every day next week. She'll be seeing her paternal grandmother and half brother for the first time in over a year. I hope everything goes well.

All It Takes is a Little Silence

Life has been so hectic lately. I've been picking up extra hours at work to get ready for the holidays. Today has been the first day in a long time I'm home alone with Sydney. In the midst of doing laundry and listening to her jabber in the background, some part of my brain was activated. I got lonely. I reminisced a little too long. Thought about where I'd be now if things hadn't changed so drastically 1.5 years ago. I shake and rattle my head to send the thoughts away, but I can't un-think them.

My World With a Collective Sigh

So, we all know who won the election. I guess it is what it is. I'll try not to get too political. The only thing I hate about it is that there are million of people who absolutely do not want this guy as president, but still have to accept it anyway and the positive or negative consequences with him and his decisions. GAG. It's a conundrum. What is there to do but grin and bear it? On a positive note, Sydney is pretty much potty trained. She hasn't peed in her big girl panties for almost two weeks. I'm so proud of her.

Election Day

I cast my vote, not that it matters in the state where I live.  Then took Sydney and her grandma to IHOP.  All is good with the world for the next 8 hours.

Halloween

I've taken a stance on Halloween for Sydney for the foreseeable future.  She was elated to hand out candy to children ringing the doorbell.  

I let her have one pack of smarties and told her the rest was for the "kids."  She giggled like a mad man every time the doorbell rang.

Better to let go of all of our candy than have it hang around the house increasing my waist line at the beginning of the holiday season.

 

Here Comes the Cold

I like cold weather.  I like wearing sweat shirts and long pants and bundling up a warm blanket.
I like snuggling with my munchkin
Syd's new favorite thing is to tell everyone thank you.  Which is really polite, but loses its sincerity over time.

Right now we miss Sydney's uncle, my brother, Ryan.  He's deployed to Afghanistan for at least another 7 months.  These pictures are from the weekend before his deployment.  I had a shirt made for Sydney.  The front says Rakkasan which is Ryan's troop name.

I have to believe everything will be okay.  If I lived in fear, I'd never let Sydney leave the house.

Where Does the Time Go?

I'm frustrated with the state of the world.  All the hate, lies, and manipulation people use to get what they want. 
I'm also tired of people taking and not giving... abusing the system. 
I hate that I work in a place where people can come in and use services for non emergent situations and think they will never have to pay.  For people who drink themselves into comas and turn up here for detox just to get sober for a couple of days and return again for their next "free detox."
People who constantly abuse illegal drugs and turn here when their trip goes bad.
I'm developing a jaded attitude here.

Sometimes I Still Have A Heart

It's easy to become jaded in the nursing profession.  It's a lot of give and not much take.  Every once in a while, I get a patient who tugs at my heart strings.
Yesterday, I was already in a fierce mood at work.  I got a call that I was going to get an ambulance from a nursing home.  Ground level fall with hip pain with dementia.  I prepared myself for the worst.  The man was an angel.  Smiled at me from the beginning, cooperative with whatever I asked, and sweet as can be.  We did the necessary work up and found out he was just fine.  I called to arrange for transport back to his home.  I helped him get dressed.  He struggled with the button on his pants and the knot in my throat felt like a boulder.  I asked him if I could help him button and he looked at me with pleading eyes, "please" he asked.  I  buttoned him up and put his sweater on and shoes.  I sat him back down on the bed and asked him if there was anything I could get him while he was waiting.  No, he said.  I was desperate to do something nice for this man.  Water?  "No, thank you."  Television?  "No, thank you."  Newspaper?  "No, thank you."  My heart was welling up and about to overflow through my eyes in enormous tears.  Coffee?  His eyes were round saucers like a puppy dog waiting for a bone.  "I would love some."  I tore out of the room to the coffee machine, made a fresh cup and brought it too him.  I seriously don't think I've ever seen anyone more grateful for a cup of coffee.  He was smiling from ear to ear with each sip.  I'll admit, he saw the tears come one by one.  He asked me, "what's wrong darlin'?"  I told him I was just happy to help him.  He reached over and patted my hand.
That was it.  It was enough gratitude from one man to last me at least 4 weeks.
Too bad I couldn't bring him home with me.

Different Kinds of Love

I worked all weekend.  It was tiring but fulfilling work for the most part.  I didn't have a single pt. who didn't need to be the ER.  All of them were definitely having emergencies.  I realize now that maybe the fillers (people who could go to a clinic) are a gift to help me not feel so tired all the time.  Goodness knows if every pt. that came into the ER needed life saving treatment, I'd only last a few weeks in my profession.

More to the point.  After working all weekend, driving home last night I couldn't wait to get my arms around Sydney.  When I walked through the door, Sydney was running to me saying "mommy, mommy, mommy."  The feeling was unbelievable.  Hugging her was like an explosion of sheer joy followed by an ooze of perfection and satisfaction.  Words don't do it justice to explain the love I have for that child.  In my opinion, that's the most pure, unselfish love I'll ever get to experience in this human world.

I'll say I've been in romantic love once before.  Of course, it was with my husband.  In retrospect, that love was lurking of darkness.  Until now, I didn't realize how filthy loving him made me feel.  He was a fun guy and a nice guy most of the time, but I believe God has a hand in helping you choose the person you are to be with.  Too many things pulled me in a different direction from him while we were still dating.  But I forged onward, because I was selfish for the love he made me crave.  That love was hungry to the verge of famished.  Greedy.  Not even in reference to him, but I was like a dry paper towel trying to absorb water by trying to absorb all the love I could from that relationship.  All it did was leave me weak and virtually useless.

I realize romantic love takes work.  But it shouldn't make you feel filthy or sinful while working towards it.  In my future endeavors toward it, I've got to remind myself not to go back there again.  

A last realization... Even in the covetous love I so desperately yearned for, I believe God rewarded me with pure love for being so faithful and committing myself to the love I sought.  That pure love comes from, you guessed it, Sydney.