What A Year

The year of 2011 was eventful to say the least. It's hard to believe this time last year I was very round and very pregnant... not to mention very miserable. I was still working full time and swollen to the size of a beluga whale. Little did I know, that miserable miserable feeling would lead to the best feeling in the world. Sydney is no longer a crawler. She's a full blown walker. Sometimes at the speed of a sprint. Other times, she looks like the baby of Frankenstein. I love it. I love 2011 for everything it brought to me... my sweet daughter... she's perfection. I hate 2011 for everything it.. and he took from me. Security and peace of mind were the first to go. I'm slowly gaining them back, but I think it's going to take some serious time to realize I didn't deserve everything that happened. I do believe I'll love again some day. Maybe, 2012 will be the year I'm absolutely swept off of my feet. If not, Sydney will always be enough.

Tis the Season

The season to commercialize something that is supposed to be extremely spiritual.  It annoys me. 
I hate that this season is about presents and gifts.  I think gifts should be given at any random time rather than just a on a day that's supposed to be about something deeper.
But, guess who is buying into it?  Me.  I bought Sydney a ridiculous rocking horse. 
It's more for me than it is for her.
Happy Holidays All. 
I'm definitely on Santa's naughty list.

Happy Thanksgiving to All

It's the time of year where all my family gets together, cooks amazing food, and talks at decibles audible to people who are basically deaf.  I love it and Sydney is fitting right in.  She loves all the action and of course loves trying all the new foods. 
My middle brother is in from the army and oldest brother will be here with his wife and brand new baby.
Life is good.
But there's a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  Nagging.
This time last year I was very pregnant.  Here at the same spot with my husband.  He's not here today.  He's not anywhere.  Perplexing.  Overwhelming. 
I'm thankful to God for family who understands I'm not crazy, just grieving.  One day I'll get it figured out.  But then of course things will probably change.

Clap and the World Claps with You

Oh... did I get that wrong?  I know it's Laugh and the World Laughs with You.  Sydney has developed a new skill.  Clapping.  Anytime she hears clapping on television, radio, real life, etc. she claps.  So maybe I should say Clap and Sydney Claps with You.
I'm back to my foggy funk.  All I want to do is stay at home with Sydney and watch her grow.
I did happen to venture out and get a massage at Massage Envy.  I called at the beginning of the morning and they said we can get you in if you come in thirty minutes.  So I showered, arranged care for Syd, and headed down.  Little did I realize that my message therapist was going to be a younger male, very muscular, and not bad looking.  Did I care?  Nope.  Ashley prior to Sydney and of course marriage would have flirted with this guy shamelessly.  I laid there and enjoyed every minute of my massage without a word.  The only thing I said was thank you.
Something must be wrong with me.  Haha.  Maybe one day I'll want to flirt again.  With how I feel right now, I seriously doubt it. 
I'll enjoy life being content with my sweet pea.

The Mind is a Funny Thing

I've been discovering new things about how the human brain works or maybe it's just my brain.  Defense mechanism or recovery tactic my brain has started to do something I'm not used to. I'm having trouble sorting past, present, and future.  I was looking at pictures of Chase yesterday and it felt like I was looking at scenes from a movie I had once watched. It felt familiar but somehow distant. I know in my heart that I love him and that the past was real, but looking at those photos and knowing what reality is now It's created a mental dissonance.

The worst part is that I showed Sydney some of the pictures. To her, he's just a man. She doesn't recognize him. She doesn't know him. But I suppose that it is my duty to acquaint her and tell her the good things of her father. I want her to know him. I want to create love in her heart for him.

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Keep Your Dreams Bright and Vivid

I had been running outside with the nice weather.  Pushing Sydney in her jogging stroller.  Then the weather snapped off in a cold spell and Sydney got sick... thus my exercising ceased.  I've deemed today the day to return to the gym.
It's something about getting my heart rate up and breaking a good sweat.  It's cleansing for the soul and helps clear the mind.
Right now, Sydney is watching The Wizard of Oz.  I think she likes all the songs and colors.  I wonder how much of this movie is subliminal message.  Why is Dorothy's actual life portrayed in a sepia tone and her dreams in vivid color?  Maybe to help us remember, when life seems dull/dreary we should keep our dreams bright and vivid?  Maybe that's a proverb to my life now.

Sweet Moments

I have reached the time of the month that I long for most.  No..not "the time of the month."
With  my work schedule, I have a pattern that rotates and begins all over again every three weeks.  At the end of this pattern is a glorious stretch of five days off in a row! 
Today is day 2 of 5.  I spend these wonderful days soaking in the goodness of my sweet Sydney face.
Right now she's napping.  As soon as she goes to sleep, I miss her.  I want to wake her up.  Then I would meet the wrath of no-nap Sydney.  It's not a pleasant sight.  See example below:  still cute but whiny pants.

Sydney was a cow for Halloween.  No candy.  But an adorable little specimen of human she is.