Why Not?

So, Sydney's two, but I wouldn't call it terrible.  I feel like she's beginning to understand she can make some of her own decisions.
There is a bit of tension and some days we're both in tears.
I'm realizing I can't be her best friend and that hurts my feelings.
I love this child and there is no one else in the world I would rather spend time with.
Apparently, if I'm her best friend, I'm going to let her walk all over me.
I have to put my big girl panties on and be more of her mom and less of her friend.
Who says we still can't have fun while we're at it?

Verbal Spew

Sydney is growing ever so fast.  We're going through mood swings and attention fits.
It's had it's ups and it's had it's downs, but I do love being her mother.
The other day when going in to get her out of bed in the morning because she was talking to herself we had a funny little moment of attitude.
Opened the door to get her up and she says "no, shut the door.  I'm sleeping!"
Haha.  At least I can find a little humor in the attitude she's developing.

100 Things

A lot of bloggers have been doing lists of 100 things about themselves... we'll see how I do.
#1  My name is Ashley.
#2  I have a daughter named Sydney.
#3  I am a widow.
#4  I won't be #3 for long as I am engaged.
#5  I enjoy running especially in warm weather.
#6  Dr. Pepper 10 kick starts my morning.
#7  I love to read.
#8  I am a registered nurse in an Emergency Department.
#9  My first choice for career in college was Journalism.
#10  I changed my major to nursing when I realized it was a high job security field.
#11  I have two older brothers.  One of them is in Afghanistan.
#12  I LOVE music.  I especially love doing #5 while listening to a great playlist.
#13  I like horseback riding.
#14  Hiking, camping, and exploring the outdoors are where I feel the most alive.
#15  I am an introvert, but haven't always been.
#16  I am somewhat decent at speaking Spanish.
#17  I have one childhood friend left.  I've known him since I was 16.  I don't know where the rest are.
#18  #17 Saddens me.  I mean, how could people who meant so much at one time just disappear.
#19  I wish I lived on a ranch in Montana.
#20  I wish I knew how to use my fancy camera, but I don't.
#21  I am addicted to watching the television show Golden Girls before going to sleep.
#22  I frequently have nightmares.  I don't think #21 and #22 correlate.
#23  I bite my fingernails.  It's disgusting.  I hate it.  I can quit for 2 months at a time.
#24  I have blue eyes.
#25  Hippos are my favorite animals.
#26  Getting tired of this list making already.
#27  My pet peeve is laziness at the workplace.
#28  I support the right to bare arms.
#29  I also believe in strict background checks prior to being able to obtain a firearm.
#30  I would like to visit New Zealand.
#31  Parasites scare me.
#32  I'm tired of this list thing.
#33  I realize that it is likely no one care to read 100 things about me anyway.
#34  It's my blog, so I don't care.
#35  I can't dance.
#36  Yellow is my favorite color.
#37  I like singing in the shower/car.
#38  I'm done.

38% isn't bad...right?
Haha.

My Life At Present

There have been several changes since the beginning of the year. To start... I'm engaged. Zack has decided to commit himself to me for the rest of his life. That last sentence sounds a little like he's checking himself into an insane asylum. Which is probably is. I'm moody, temperamental, lacking confidence (or backbone), and a tad bit needy because of my separation anxiety. But guess what, he doesn't care. He loves me. Said he'll love me til the day he dies. Which better not be anytime soon because I don't think I could handle going through that a second time.

That's the proof. He did a great job picking out the ring. Sydney just loves Zack. Speaking of Sydney, she's now two. She loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, playing puzzles, and is talking up a storm. She's completely potty trained. We're working on the paci. I think it's as much of a crutch for me as it is for her.  She just sleeps so good with it and I'm afraid I'll be up every hour again if I take it away.
She had her birthday at chuck e cheese.  She loved it.  Especially the kiddie rides, but only if you didn't turn them on.

All is well.  Life is good.  I have my ups and downs, my occasional bad dreams, but I'm doing just fine.

Happy New Year

It's hard to believe I've almost been a mom for 2 years. I've loved every minute of it. She is the light of my life.

Memories

Going through old photos I found pictures of tiny Sydney. Let me be the first to say the cliche, "Where has the time gone?!?" Found some pictures of the time before our worlds got rocked with the emotional equivalent of an earthquake with a tornado. Can someone tell me why these photos make me feel such a cognitive dissonance? Could it be my brain has blocked out the memory of hurt for so long I just don't know what to feel? Neurotransmitters are definitely confused.

Eye Contact

Days with hours alone in a house with Sydney are much needed. It allows us time to be ourselves and develop our mommy-daughter relationship how we want it to be. She likes playing with cars. I'm okay with that. I played with cars and I turned out fine. I wish they had more girly cars, so I could at least feel good about them being pink or something. When we're alone, I think Sydney knows. She knows where my mind goes and how my heart sinks into my belly and feels like it is on fire and eroding from the acid. Being alone allows my mind time to go places like feeling lonely, sad, or wondering the what ifs. She know because she frequently walks up to me, grabs my cheeks with her two tiny little hands, and looks right into my eyes with her two big eyes. She doesn't say a think, just looks. When I'm on the brink of tears, she holds my face harder. It's like she's channeling her thoughts right in my brain. "Mommy, it's okay." She doesn't try to change me or my thoughts. Just letting me know she's here and that's really all that matters. God rest his soul, he gave me the best child I could have ever imagined.